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5 Things Anxious Adults Want You to Know About Anxiety in Kids and Teens

Ronit Levy • Nov 10, 2018

Most adults who struggle with anxiety have been dealing with it since they were teens, some since childhood. The emotional and physical scars of anxiety have impacted their relationships, jobs, health, and ability to enjoy their lives. Not helping teens manage their anxiety sets them up for a lifetime of difficulty. There is so much you can do now to set kids up for success.


Depressed young woman sitting on floor with head in hands

How Anxious Teens Become Struggling Adults


By the time anxious teens reach adulthood, they feel defeated. They’ve been anxious, scared, insecure, and sad for so long that it’s hard to believe anything else is possible. It’s also become so familiar, that changing becomes even harder. That means therapy is harder. It also means it takes longer to make significant changes.


As a psychologist, it’s hard to watch amazing people feel so terrible about themselves.


I sometimes want to scream, “don’t you know how amazing you are? Look at everything you’ve accomplished despite feeling desperate, sad, alone, and scared for so many years.”


After working in this field for more than 20 years, I know there’s often no point in saying this. Many of them will never believe me.


They have to manage the anxiety to believe it’s possible…and there’s usually a little part of them that’s just waiting to fall apart again.



As a result of not getting the support and tools they needed as kids and having to grow up anxious, they’ve learned to not trust or like themselves.


teen girl with anxiety holding a book in a forest

What You Need to Know About Anxiety in Teens


It’s Not A Phase:


Teens experience anxiety. It’s normal to get anxious before high stakes events like sport meets, finals, the SAT, or a big date. Most people get anxious when they don’t know whether something will work out. However, once these events pass, they feel fine.


Anxious teens are constantly suffering. They feel scared and desperate most of the time. They may get some temporary breaks, but the anxiety just gets worse over time.


The challenges of college push their anxiety over an edge and they don’t fully recover. As a result, the challenges of being an adult are harder to handle.



The anxiety may look different now, but it’s still there.


teen girl curled in ball because anxiety is hurtful

Pushing Through Doesn’t Prepare Anxious Teens for Adulthood:


There’s a really hurtful myth out there that letting kids push through anxiety prepares them for the challenges of adulthood. That’s old school and has damaged people for generations.


Yes, pushing through challenges makes you stronger.


However, when you’re terrified, you’re only focused on surviving:


  • You’re not learning anything. That part of the brain isn’t working fully.
  • Instead, the brain is mostly focused on how to survive.

 


Just Because You Don’t See It, Doesn’t Mean There’s No Anxiety:


Scared, overwhelmed kids and teens get through being terrified using a combination of these four methods:


  • Numbing: Make the feelings go away by escaping through drug use, drinking, food, porn, television, video games, and cutting.
  • Controlling: When life feels out of control, they find something they can control to an extreme. This where eating disorders and perfectionism come in.
  • Reassurance Seeking: When focusing on survival, logic, and thinking can’t happen the way they’re supposed to. That’s why they constantly have to ask for reassurance and approval. They know they can’t trust themselves.
  • Withdrawal: Focusing on survival is hard and takes a lot of energy. Pulling back from people and activities makes life easier.


teenager hugging their knees to their chest because of anxiety and depression

They’re Not Being Difficult on Purpose:


Many anxious teens are labeled by parents and teachers as “difficult” or “broken.” They’re not being a pain in the butt on purpose (well, not always).


Their life is really hard. It takes a ton of energy to get through a day.


They put all their energy into holding it together at school or an activity so that people don’t think of them as weird.


When they come home, they have to blow up and let everything out and/or completely withdraw.


woman with her head in her hands because history of anxiety makes adulthood hard

Being an Adult Is Harder for Them Compared to Other Adults:


They have been aware since they were kids that school, work, and life were harder for them compared to others their age.


As adults, it’s harder for them to balance work, marriage, family, and parenthood.


They run out of steam and get overwhelmed faster.


They don’t trust themselves.



They know they can push through anxiety (they already have lots of practice), but recovering will be hard and take a long time.


young adult woman leaning against wall and looking down because she doesn't like herself

As Adults, They Don’t Like Themselves:


They are so used to struggling and being called difficult that they wind up disappointed in who they turned out to be.


They wish they were someone else.



They wonder what their life would have been like if they had gotten tools earlier and had been given the support and understanding they needed when they were growing up.


young man with head on his knees because of chronic anxiety

This is Why You Have to Help Anxious Teens


If there is an anxious child or teen in your life, you have to help them now. This will give them the greatest chance of having a healthy and fulfilling future.


Teens struggling with anxiety have a higher lifetime chance of developing other mental health issues, like depression and substance abuse.


Unfortunately, they are also at a higher risk for suicide. They can reach a point where they don’t want to suffer anymore and don’t believe there is any other way out.


man and boy sitting on ground during sunset to help boy manage anxiety

How You Can Help a Teen With Anxiety


  • Teach them that anxiety is a normal human emotion and that lots of people struggle with anxiety.
  • Remind them that dealing with anxiety doesn’t mean they are broken.


This will help their self-esteem.


  • Become an expert on anxiety in teens.
  • Read books and articles.
  • Attend classes and workshops.
  • Learn about different treatment options. Show them that you want to understand and help.


This will help them trust you and feel less lonely.


  • Get them help from a mental health professional.
  • Follow through on recommendations you get from their therapist.
  • This may involve changing your behavior too, but it will be worth it in the long run.


This will teach them it’s okay to ask for help.


young girl with her arm around younger boy walking down a path feeling better

Next Steps


Continue to talk with your teen about their feelings.


Don’t settle for, “I’m fine.”



Your teen with anxiety will thank you for caring enough to do something.



Please contact us to set up an appointment. 

We can help give you information, a map for next steps, and hope that you can have the life you want.

 

Wishing you the best,

Dr. Levy

Director

Bucks County Anxiety Center

 


Dr. Ronit Levy is a clinical psychologist and director of Bucks County Anxiety Center in Newtown, PA. She specializes in treating teens and adults struggling with anxiety due to Anxiety Disorders, OCD, chronic illness, and life events. Dr. Levy trains and supervises other therapists and presents on mental health in the community.


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